Hi. It's New Years. I woke up and went outside to walk my dog and I had this thought cross my head. It said "It's time. It's time to write your life story." It's never been a real active goal of mines but, having told my life story a couple times I always knew it would make for a great read. And I knew immeditaly where I wanted to start it. Even though I have no idea how to compose a book. Well, here it is. 

I was sitting on my porch of my home. Home was a huge word for me at this moment because, my childhood was filled with chaos and unstability. Having a home changed my life. My grandpa 'Pop Pop' who I lived with there at the time was leaving. He was going down to L.A to 'take care' of his dad we called him 'Big Pop'.  Which was comical to me because, Pop Pop couldn't even take care of himself. I knew he was leaving for other reasons. It was a chilly day. My body felt closed off. His sister pulled up to the house to pick him up. I didn't know much of my family other then Pop Pop and my mom. They all lived in L.A and we werent in contact very much. My mom arrived. She was coming to say goodbye to him. At this point in time my mom was my enemy. Years of teen angst and drama have pushed us more apart then we could ever be. She was living with her boyfriend in a studio in Alameda. A city about 15 minutes from me. Everything happened very quick in my eyes. He said goodbye. Got in the car. My mom said goodbye to him. Got in her car. As everyone drove away at the same time. I was still sitting on the porch. Everyone had went their seperate ways. I sat there for awhile. Confused because, everyone had left. My life was about to change and I had no plans. I realized I didn't know what was next. Where I was going to live, who was gonna watch over me and make sure I was okay. No one knew. No one cared. 

I was shocked. I knew at that moment I was gonna be an "adult" that I was going to take care of myself and I believed I could do this. I didn't want help. At this point I was barley in school. I was skipping class for days at a time. I was well on my way to drop out. With a 0.0 average since Freshmen year. It was safe to say I was on a path to sucsess. 


It was a huge misscommunication. I lived in that house alone for months. I stayed in the front room which used to be my mom's room before she moved out with her fiance. I had a twin mattress on the floor along with a old computer on a tiny bedside table that I would sit on the floor and use. A huge red couch and a giant Spice Girls poster covered in graffiti tags from all my friends I would have over. It was a dream room for a 16 year old. Not long after Pop Pop left the power went out.



As, a 16 year old with a house all to her self it was awesome at first. Me and my friends partied there. Did X and rolled all night. I could have who ever I wanted over. I was fully dropped out of school. But, quickly what felt like home all those years before started to feel hallow. It was empty. Gross. Abandoned. It wasn't long after the water went off that I started staying at some friends places. Until they're parents would start to be uncomfortable. I realized soon the party was over. I had to figure this shit out.




-- HOME --

I was 10 years old. We had been living on 24th and Hampshire for about a year with a nice lady my mom met at her work. She had two sons. We rented a room and shared our bunkbed. Which we had done since I was a baby. Shiner was her name. She was definiation granola mommy. She was way older then my mom. She was wholesome and healthy and just a sweet women. But, she ended up getting cancer. Things started going downhill for her health and we had to move out. My mom had a new boyfriend. I didn't know him at all. We never hung out or anything but, since we were in a tight place he offered my mom his half of rent on a new place in Oakland. I didn't even knew Oakland exsisted. I had never even heard of it. Honestly I didn't know what was on the other side of the Bay Bridge. I never left San Francisco. I was a city baby. We first stayed at a random house. With my mom's friends from work. We shared the infamous bunk bed. We weren't there for long but, all I remember is. There was a mosquito nest in the room we stayed in and that one of the guys who lived there had recorded every single Mad TV episode on VHS. I loved watching them all day. It had to have been summer. I had just finished 5th grade. I was starting middle school in a new city. Which was pretty normal to me. I went to about 5 different elementry schools. I knew how to play the new girl. 

We pack up and we move into home. I remember the moment perfectly. We pulled up in this small alley. There were kids everywhere. About 5 of them right in front of our car. They all moved out the way except one. He peered into the car with an angry face and paced so slowly out of the way. I guess his goal was to intimidated the 2 adults in the front seat. He looked a little bit older then me but, everyone looked around the same age or younger. We met our new landlord outside and he quickly said "Don't let your daughter play with these kids. They're terrible!" I guess they would bully him and throw plums from the tree across the street at his house. Growing up in San Francisco as a kid was hard. I didn't have neighbors who I could play with. I couldn't hang out outside by myself. It was a fast paced city that wasn't very kid-friendly. Me and my mom always rented a single room and shared a bunk bed. That was our life. But, now.. I had my OWN ROOM! Life was good. Getting to know my mom's new boyfriend was also awesome. He was really nice and funny. I felt totally comfortable around him. 

The first week moving in. We settled in quite quickly. I would sit and look out the window at the street filled with kids. Sometimes even up to 12 kids. Two of them came up to my window knocking and asked if I could play outside. My mom was nervous about the warning the landlord had given her but, she allowed me to go outside. "Just don't leave the porch" she said. I was so excited. I never had this experience. It was like a school playground right outside my window. From thaat moment on I felt this first feelings of home. I felt stability. I felt saftey. I saw my mom in love and happy. Our home was filled with music. I had my first ever father figure. I was overwhelmed with a new normal. My life was prefect.


I always dream of this home. Almost everynight. I'm either buying it or I live there again or it's just my home. I have tried to figure out why it's so stuck in my mind. I came into that house full of love and hope. It was everything I ever needed. Then I think about how I left it. I was alone and scared. It was emptied out of all of the love.